|
|
Humour
Accomplishments
This is one of my favourites and has been in my collection for several
years. The title is my own for purposes of classification.
3A. ESSAY -- in order for the admissions staff of
our college to get to know you, the applicant,
better, we ask that you answer the following
question: are there any significant experiences you
have had, or accomplishments you have realized,
that have helped to define you as a person?
"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls
and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel
train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a
row.
"I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines
with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
"Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I
once single-handedly defended a small village in
the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
my yard. I enjoy urban hand gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free
of charge.
"I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a
ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my
original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I
bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned
my fame in international botany circles. Children
trust me.
"I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects
with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost,
Moby-Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish and entire dining room
that evening. I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket. I have performed
covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with
a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
"I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my
bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam,
I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write
it down. I have made extraordinary four-course
meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I
breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in
San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka,
and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis.
"But I have not yet gone to college."
|
