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It's not a good idea.
It's just the law.

The Legend of King Kanadatave and the Sacred Seven

Once upon a time King Kanadatave was playing 18 holes on the royal links with a few of his companions: Addath the Grim, Blind Jim, and the Stranger in Green and Gold. Blind Jim was teeing up on number 11 (a long par 7) when the sky turned dark, winds howled, thunder rumbled, and Blind Jim's ball was blown through a window in the clubhouse (severely wounding a waiter). The King was undeterred, and vowed to play the course despite these bad omens.

It is said that the King's ball fell off the tee 13 times on the 13th hole. Although the King was unconcerned, the Stranger in Green and Gold was wary and fondled his crossbow. Blind Jim hit a caddie, Addath the Grim shot into the water, The Stranger in Green and Gold hit the green, and the King hooked into the trees. While they all searched for the King's ball they became separated.

The King and his caddie came to a clearing wherein lurked a basilisk playing croquet. The King was sore puzzled.

"What are the little wire hoops for, faithful Rosco?", he asked his caddie.

There was no reply.

The King turned to repeat himself, but found that his caddie had been eaten by a hideous lion-headed demon. The King slapped the demon around and sent it home without any supper and then stapled basilisk to a tree with a wicket.

King Kanadatave continued to search for his Companions, pausing only to have lunch with an evil witch that had a few kids in the oven and then slay a dragon that he found lurking outside the men's room. Eventually he found another clearing containing seven robed figures and Addath the Grim, chained to a tree. Addath was bleeding from many wounds.

"Who are you to wound and bind my Companion?", asked the king from behind a large tree. The tree picked him up and deposited him in the centre of the clearing. The lion-headed demon wrapped him in chains of silver. The seven robed figures, annoyed at being called "the seven robed figures", dropped their robes and revealed their evil identities.

"I am Whiner.", said the tree as it changed into a woman. "I wanna go to Palms Springs.", she continued.

"I am the Roach.", declared a man carrying a rune-carven bow.

"I am Plague.", said a liche. The kings groin began to burn and itch.

"I am Heart-Breaker.", said an elven sorceress.

"Uhh...", grunted a giant lizardman.

"He's Stone-Bone and I'm Toe-Jam.", said a masked figure holding a poisoned sword.

"And I am Poodle-Boy. We have come for revenge, King Kanadatave. We are the Sacred Seven of Murray of the Ledger, whom you slew!" (as related in King Kanadatave and the Stranger in Green and Gold).

"Who is he?", the king asked, indicating an eighth figure, still robed. The Sacred Seven turned as one to regard this eighth individual, who remained motionless and silent. Stone-Bone smashed the figure with his club, but found only an illusion for a target. Blind Jim strangled the lion-headed demon from behind as the Stranger in Green and Gold leaped down from a tree and attacked the Sacred Seven. The king burst his chains and washed his hands while Blind Jim freed Addath the Grim. In a great flash of light, The Stranger in Green and Gold transported the king and the Companions back to the clubhouse, where they decided to play tennis instead.

It is said that King Kanadatave later caught up to the Sacred Seven when he had about thirty of the Companions with him. They were bound and entombed in a swamp forever, it is believed.

Copyright 2001 by Cary Martin