Remember:
It's not a good idea.
It's just the law.

Long ago Old King Kanadatave received word that a group of evil wizards had stolen the gold lavatory fixtures from the royal summer condo and slain all the local townspeople in a variety of embarrassing ways. As the King needed an issue to distract everyone from his failed domestic policies, he had it proclaimed that he would personally deliver justice to the evil wizards. Pausing only to destroy certain incriminating scrolls and to choose a new hairpiece, Old King Kanadatave and his Companions rode forth. In their relentless pursuit they usually awoke before noon and often covered five or ten kilometres a day.

The Companions numbered thirty at this time and each one was brave, deadly, and sometimes willing to bear a little inconvenience for their King. Among them are names from legend: Hodak Iron-Axe, Blind Jim, Brunhilde the Thrifty (the Accountant of Thell), The Stranger in Green and Gold, Everett the Unclean, Tomb the Dwarf, Bob, Studly Hungwell, and many others. The King carried his bow, Social Critic, and the Ruby Sceptre (enchanted by Tomb the Dwarf). He rode in his silver chariot (stolen from an orc lord as told in the tale King Kanadatave and the Altar Boy).

The evil wizards weren't hard to follow. They left a wide trail of destruction, molested farm animals, and artfully mutilated corpses. It is said that they even disrupted the Summer Rutabaga Festival. The fateful trail ran south past the border of Atovar and into the Waste. Old King Kanadatave and his Companions passed in the shadow a great volcano that muttered and fumed like a grumpy old man before they came to the edge of a vast broken moor. They saw subtle signs of the evil wizards passage; dragons, trolls, lawyers, and other fell beasts were loading their possessions on trailers and pulling out. Undaunted (or at least pretending to be) the King and his Companions entered the moor and immediately sank into the mud up to their knees. At that moment the volcano erupted into flame and a great cloud of smoke covered the sun. The King took this as a good omen and proceeded.

That first night in the bog they camped next to a lake, going about their customary routine of avoiding camp chores and complaining about Everett the Unclean's cooking. Only the Stranger in Green and Gold held back from this pointless banter as he piled sandbags and rocks around his bedroll. Sometime after midnight the camp awoke to a hideous load croaking and a noise reminiscent of that heard when a live horse is sucked through a drinking straw. The unhappy campers looked up to see a giant Hell-Frog ravaging the horses and damaging the finish on the King's chariot. A lion-headed demon was busy eating the heart of the sentry, Dermot the Lucky. Seven robed figures appeared in the centre of the camp and attacked, revealing themselves as the Sacred Seven. A horde of Lizard men rushed the camp. A brass band struck up a lively tune as an orc sold tickets and took bets.

The King and his Companions leapt up and counterattacked furiously. Hodak Iron-Axe cut Plague's head off in a single mighty blow and then turned to face the Mythvirr. Roach and Blind Jim exchanged arrows across the camp, hitting everything except each other. The Hell-Frog attempted to swallow Brunhilde the Thrifty but was turned to stone by Bob. Poodle-Boy blew up Studly Hungwell and the six lizard men he was fighting. The Stranger in Green and Gold wrestled with Toe-Jam. Stone-Bone broke both of Tomb the Dwarf's kneecaps before throwing him at Adath the Grim. Whiner and Heartbreaker hurled foul sorceries (their specialty). The lizard men mostly got in the way and were killed by almost everyone present. Old King Kanadatave later maintained that while it may have appeared that he had been hiding under a saddle, in reality he had been searching for his weapons.

Everett the Unclean took Whiner by the throat and began to drown her in the lake. Plague, having recovered from decapitation, stuck a poisoned dagger in Everett the Unclean's back. Everett drew his dwarven hammer Grelldure and, his strength fading quickly, broke every bone in Plague's body before being pulled under the water and torn apart by a large hungry trout. The King jumped up and blasted Heartbreaker and Roach with the Ruby Sceptre. Poodle-Boy suddenly found his hands and head laying on the ground as Tovarid Skirt-Lifter came up behind him with his sword Gillette flashing in the moonlight. The Stranger in Green and Gold beat Stone-Bone into submission with Toe-Jam. Whiner changed into a crow and tried to fly away but was hit by one of Blind Jim's stray shots. The Mythvirr attempted to escape by assuming the guise of an insurance salesman but was caught and cheerfully dismembered by Brunhilde the Thrifty. As Plague started to get up again Hodak Iron-Axe cut him into four pieces and put each one in a separate basket.

The Sacred Seven were too powerful to permanently destroy, so the King built a crypt atop a hill in the moor and surrounded it with three rings of magical barriers and traps. Various mystic items were gathered for this task. Tomb the Dwarf forged iron chains in the fires of the volcano to bind them. Finally, the persistently twitching bodies were rolled into the crypt and the door sealed. The Sacred Seven were left with a deck of cards and an accordion with which to amuse themselves throughout eternity.

Copyright 2001 by Cary Martin